Forgiving your abuser is by far the hardest and one of the last steps that you’ll take beginning your life after relational abuse. It is not a step that can be done early in the process, and should not be pushed on by family and/or friends. Everyone will come to this place of forgiveness in their own time.
Lies About Forgiving Your Abuser
When you’ve been in pain and buried yourself like most victims do, forgiveness is not anything you want to think about. You feel like if you forgive them that you’re saying that what they did wasn’t wrong, and maybe even saying that it was your fault. While these feelings are normal and completely understandable, that isn’t what forgiving your abuser means.
Truth About Forgiving Your Abuser
Forgiving your abuser releases their hold on you and your life. Letting go of all the anger, bitterness and resentment you’re carrying around frees you to move on.
Forgiving your abuser is what you must do in order to truly live after relational abuse.
You can’t ever get back what they took from your past, but you can take hold of your future and all the possibilities it has for you. In order to do this, you must leave them behind. You must forgive them for all of the pain, scars, and bad memories they gave you. You must forgive them for the time they stole from you. You must forgive them for it all.
Remember forgiveness doesn’t mean that things didn’t happen, that you’ll forget or that it won’t come back to you in memories later. Things did happen, you’ll never forget and at times your memories will return.
Forgiving Your Abuser Happens in Steps
Forgiveness happens in steps, you won’t be able to do it all at once. When you’re ready to look back over your past without stopping yourself, taking the time to remember it all. This is when you’ll know you’re ready to start the forgiving your abuser process.
You need to come to the place where you can look back and remember the pain, abuse and bad memories you have. Being able to “walk through” it in your mind will allow you to release it all by choosing to forgive for each painful, bad memory you recall.
This process is emotionally and mentally draining, and only the victim will know when she’s ready to take it on.
There will be times that a memory or a thought makes an appearance from the past. Each time this happens we must choose to release and forgive again. By doing so we are continuing to live our lives, free from an abusive hold, bitterness, and anger.
Choosing to forgive is not something we can take lightly, it is something we must do, but we must be at a place where we’re ready to do it. It is a difficult step, so it must be the right time in the healing process.
As I’ve stated before, only the victim knows when she will be ready to forgive her abuser. Family and friends? Give her time.
Forgiveness frees you.
Thanks Misty. This is all so true. I hope this post gets around and frees women facing relational abuse.
Yes, that is my prayer. <3
Thank you for sharing this awesome post at “Tell Me a True Story.” Forgiveness is more for me (us) and not the one who did the deed. Jesus forgave those who were killing him and that was the forgiveness of all time.
Yes, last week I covered the importance of forgiving yourself. That must be done before we can forgive our abuser. Blessings Hazel!
I understand abusement. I was very abused as a kid, and often during my former marriage. I have forgiven my Dad, and he came to the Lord shortly before his death. Have forgiven my former husband. And work at forgiving anyone and everything. The reason is that GOD is the One Who can break through the anger, the fearfulness, the sinfulness and bring them to Himself. That’s what counts! [BTW, one of my main ministries is referred to as First Responders. We go to murder sites w/in 48 hours and pray for the families, the neighbors, the murderer, those situations… and significantly tell people to turn this situation to the Lord and let HIM be the wise turning around one. Very important, and breaks into very intense situations.]
Yes, God alone is who gives us the strength forgive those that have abused and/or wronged us in our lives. What an amazing ministry that is, praying for you! <3
Thanks Misty! Such truth here. I find that those trying to forgive and those walking with them often forget this bit of truth here,
“There will be times that a memory or a thought makes an appearance from the past. Each time this happens we must choose to release and forgive again.”
Just because a memory returns doesn’t mean there hasn’t been healing or we can’t move on as we are so often told. The problem arises when we give in and dwell on the memory instead of choosing to release and forgive again. It’s such an important truth to remind us of.
Oh and I just love your sweet spirit that comes across so well in your writing.
Yes, our memories do not ever really go away. We must choose each time they return to forgive yet again. When we can successfully forgive each time a memory comes our way, then we can truly know that we are on the right path of healing and moving beyond the relational abuse. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words. <3 Blessings! <3
These are such hard things to write about- and I know, harder things to do. I still struggle at times with this area of life. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. <3 Thank you for linking up as well with A Look At The Book and Women of Worship!
Yes they are, but what God calls you to He provides the strength to get it done! 🙂 Hugs sweet friend!